Divorce: A Children Perspective
I came across a John Cleese interview* (again) recently. It was the second time I listened to it. But this time something triggered even more my attention.
John Cleese who was developing an argument over the ‘way’ some people gets offended and mentioning his collaboration with Psychiatrist Robin Skynner in his book:’Families and How to Survive Them’.
In the interview J. Cleese mention R.Skynner particular quote:
”If people can’t control their own emotions, then they have to start trying to control other people’s behavior.”
A phrase that left me with great impact. Since I record it, I started to find any moment, event when this happened to me or in people’s life.
I even questioned myself, wondering if I ever behaved like that.
You can imagine when you are facing a crisis, such as divorce how high is the emotional impact. If, as a parent, you are not taking the responsibility to manage your feelings, you will end up by trying your best to control your loved ones life.
And while I’m here let’s stop to refer to your ‘ex-partner’ as your ‘ex’ but as the mother or the father of your children.
They are and always be: “You might not be a loving couple anymore but you are loving parents forever.”
It is time to put aside your difference and reorganise a new family nucleus. Your kids are and always be the fruit of the love you have had for each other in the pass. A child is a living evidence of that love and can not be broken. You still have to nurture it and cherish it.
A growing human being need lots of attention and care. He needs tons of love, attention, stability, nurturing, consistency, affection, understanding, patience and the most important of all: to be wanted.
So take all the chance you have to deal with your emotions and differences. Seek advices from neutral people and professional, mediate, work it out focussing on your child.
Avoid fighting over them to stop sending him wrong message for life such as: ‘winning with each other is more important than their life.’
Stop teaching that being right is better than to be loved. Stop streaming that a part of your kids isn’t lovable and wrong so therefore they are wrong too.
Do introduce the belief that love is not unconditional and your child should become hard otherwise he will get hurt. Safety is your job, you are the adult in charge.
Make sure you will teach your child the full sense of self respect and love, support and protection to prevent a deep scar in his heart, made by the belief that he must be bad because:’ only good things happen to good people’.
*John Cleese Interview for ‘Big Think’: http://bit.ly/1KTPGPh
**Voice of the Child of Divorce video: http://bit.ly/2s6SzKx